politics

Late Night Political Humor – bin Laden Edition

May 6, 2011 By mario piperni

Via Kurtzman, my favorites…

“Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.” –Jay Leno

“Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, ‘the ultimate waterboarding.’” –Jay Leno

“Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It’s kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, ‘Well, I loosened it.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, ‘I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden’s dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Obama’s even getting a little cocky. Today he held a press conference and said, ‘Yeah, I was born in Kenya. What you gonna do about it?’” –Jay Leno

“I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama ’cause his response to every question during the debates will be: ‘Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn’t it?’” –Craig Ferguson

“The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship.” –David Letterman

“Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles.” –Stephen Colbert

‘He was living a half a mile from Pakistan’s version of West Point in a town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and Ninth Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino’s, they would have been delivered to bin Laden on foot.’ –Jon Stewart

“President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, ‘I could have used seals?’” –Conan O’Brien

“By the way, ‘buried at sea’ means ‘dumped in the ocean.’ That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won’t feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Osama bin Laden’s death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, ‘President Obama saves the world.’ Stations on the right are going, ‘Obama kills fellow Muslim.’” –Craig Ferguson

“I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko’s.” –Conan O’Brien

“I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the targeted killing of another human being. And yet — uhhhh, no!” –Jon Stewart

“I’m as giddy as a schoolgirl who just shot bin Laden in the eye. Suck my giant American balls, Al Qaeda. Hey Osama, no 3D movies for you in hell. Which I’m pretty sure would be The Last Airbender. … I am just so happy. And I hope I am never again this happy over someone’s death.”–Stephen Colbert

“The CIA says bin Laden’s last words were, ‘Are you guys here about the dishwasher?’” –Jimmy Kimmel

Late Night Political Humor

March 18, 2011 By mario piperni

Via Political Humor…

“Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart.” –Jay Leno

“The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four.” –Jay Leno

“Surprisingly, March Madness is not that big in the Middle East. Because they have April Madness, May Madness, June Madness, and more.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama told middle school students that he was always in trouble in the 8th grade. In fact, he was once sent to the principal’s office because he said the dog ate his birth certificate.” –Jay Leno

“Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can’t get her states right.” –Jay Leno

“Al-Qaida has now launched a woman’s magazine that will have everything from fashion to terror advice. Unfortunately, women are not allowed to read it.” –Jay Leno

“Today is the Ides of March, the day on which in 44 B.C. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by 60 Roman Senators. That could never happen today. We can’t get 60 Senators to agree on anything.” –Jay Leno

“Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before they can retire is now 78.3 years.” –Jay Leno

Filed Under: Late Night Tagged With: politics

Politics Break – Suitcase Packing 101

February 22, 2011 By mario piperni

When I grow up, I hope to be able to pack a suitcase half as well as this guy…but I wouldn’t bet on it. Packing (along with cutting grass and painting) rank high on my Stuff I Hate To Do list.
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Filed Under: open thread, Stuff Tagged With: packing, politics, video

The Dysfunctional Political System

November 2, 2010 By mario piperni

Tomasky’s pre-vote thoughts.

It’s just one election. Maybe the Republicans will win, and America will be mad at them too in two years time; and each side’s inability to do anything will just erode its popularity, alienate independents and confuse its base in successive turns. So maybe very little of this actually matters and we’re just going to be in a long phase of Democrats getting power until the people get sick of them, Republicans getting power until the people get sick of them, and repeat and rinse.

Certainly, I have to think that rank-and-file tea partiers are going to be disappointed in Senator Paul and Senator Angle in two years’ time. They might start out with the best of intentions, from the tea-party perspective. But Rand Paul won’t be able to snap his fingers and cut spending any more than Paul Wellstone could snap his fingers and create government-run healthcare. It’s amazing that people have to keep reliving this to come to terms with it.

[...]

I still can’t quite imagine some of these people as senators and members of Congress. Of course, drunks and half-wits have peopled Congress since its inception, but these aren’t drunks and half-wits, who might be amiable. These are severe ideological warriors. It’ll be unlike any Congress we’ve ever seen in the modern history of the country.

That might be so but I doubt it will be a deciding factor come 2012. Regardless of who wins or loses today, of who controls the House or how close Republicans come to taking the Senate, when 2012 rolls around it will all come down to the state of the economy. If unemployment is hovering at 9% and foreclosures are at current rates in two years time, then President Obama goes down in history as a one-termer no matter what he and Dems do or don’t do. But if the opposite is true and Americans sense a real turnaround in the economy, then President Obama will serve a second term no matter what the Paul Rands and Sharron Angles do or don’t do.

It would be wonderful to believe that the electorate has a long range view of what is best for the country but unfortunately that is not the case. The political process has always been prone to shortsightedness and the 24 hour news cycle has only added to the fickleness of it all. This is exactly why it becomes increasingly difficult to imagine how the big problems have any chance of ever getting fixed. In a political system geared toward favoring special interest groups, politicians focused on two year election cycles and an electorate whose vision seldom strays beyond last night’s news, how do issues requiring long range planning (e.g. health care and energy) stand a chance of being addressed in a comprehensive and responsible manner?

Standing in the way are two political parties, both dysfunctional in their own unique way – Republicans who have shown little sign of even being aware that the system is in need of repair and Democrats who as well intentioned as they might be, lack the fortitude and conviction to do what they must to make it happen.

So the rich get richer, the poor get poorer while an entire middle class takes refuge on the endangered species list…and somewhere in the distance, politicians fiddle while Rome slowly burns.

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Filed Under: Election Stuff, Politics 101 Tagged With: election, political issues, politics

Preaching The “Evils” of Abortion To Children

October 28, 2010 By mario piperni

Stuff like this ticks me off big time.

Cincinnati elementary school students are upset over remarks made by U.S. Rep. Jean Schmidt. She reportedly brought up the abortion issue in front of children as young as 6.

The Catholic school asked not to be identified because it doesn’t want to be drawn into political controversy. The school’s principal told WLWT that the congresswoman was invited to be a guest speaker at an assembly in which students from first through eighth grade were present, and that most of Schmidt’s remarks were not political.

In a letter to parents after the fact, the schools principal wrote:

“Unexpectedly, towards the end of her address, Congresswoman Schmidt brought up the topic of abortion, and I am writing you to make you aware of this. Your children may come home with questions, especially if this is a topic that has not been broached in your home. I do not recall the exact words she used, but she paused towards the end of her speech and stated that this would be the only time when she would be ‘political’ in her address. She defined abortion as the taking of a child’s life in the mother’s womb. She indicated that abortion involves the killing of a child before it is born.”

As a parent of three children, I’d be in a rage to discover that a politician took it upon herself to express her views on abortion to my six-year old. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs but try to force your brand of political morality on my child and you’ll have one angry dad to deal with. It is not hard to imagine how Jean Schmidt would feel if an adult approached her six-year old and began preaching to the child on the rights of a woman to deal with her body as she she sees fit.

I can only hope that the parents of the school involved send a clear and angry message to Ms. Schmidt to save her thoughts on abortion for her own children and not those of others. Is nothing sacred anymore or does politics need to intrude in every facet of human existence?

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Filed Under: Abortion Tagged With: Abortion, morality, political issues, politics, school