Tag Archives: political humor

Late Night Political Humor

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Only one humorous entry this week that did not involve Rob Ford.

“There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.” –David Letterman

A thought: If Chris Christie decides to run in 2016 and does become the Republican nominee, how much will his weight be a factor in voter’s minds? Are Americans willing to have an obese man as their president? I’m not sure.

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Late Night Political Humor

Humor - Late Night  :   http://mariopiperni.com/

The best of late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor.

Happy Friday.

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“Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. And he’s got a new slogan: ‘Put the oval in the Oval Office.'” –Jay Leno

“The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us.” –Conan O’Brien

“The new mayor is married to a woman who used to be a lesbian. His campaign slogan: ‘If I turned her around, imagine what I can do for New York City!'” –Conan O’Brien

“New Jersey re-elected Governor Chris Christie. Or as Christie put it, ‘I came back for seconds.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Rand Paul, the senator from Kentucky, keeps getting into trouble. They say he actually plagiarized an entire section of his 2012 book, ‘Government Bullies.’ When asked for comment, Paul said, ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.'” –Jimmy Fallon

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“New York City is going to get a new mayor. It’s between some tall white guy and some short white guy. That’s all I know.” –David Letterman

“The tall white guy is really tall. He’s 6’7′. This is a jumbo mayor. He said if he’s elected, Mayor Bloomberg can live in his pocket. Mayor Bloomberg is a tiny guy.” –David Letterman

“Mayor Bloomberg has been mayor of New York City for 12 years. We’ll all miss Mayor Bloomberg. But he says 12 years is plenty. That’s three terms. He now just wants to settle down and spend more time with his money.” –David Letterman

“There’s now growing concern in Iran about the health of 74-year-old Ayatollah Khamenei, the country’s supreme leader. He has a chronic illness. You think healthcare is bad in this country, try seeing a doctor under Ayatollah-Care. See how that works.” –Jay Leno

“So, yes, the president was somewhat dishonest about the promise of his healthcare program, but here’s the weird part, his opponents have been lying like motherf*ckers about its effects.” –Jon Stewart

“The Republicans are saying this is the worst presidential lie ever. Yes, Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and got thousands of people killed and said the war would pay for itself, but remember people, those were white lies.” –Bill Maher

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is hoping to win re-election tomorrow, and polls show that he’s winning by a 19-point margin. Christie was really excited to hear that — but only because he thought someone said ‘margarine.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today 47 million of the poorest Americans had their food stamp benefits way reduced. This is the same day we launched our new stealth destroyer, the $3 billion USS Zumwalt. This is a ship that is nearly invisible, unlike the poor, who are completely invisible. I say if we’re going to make ships that are invisible, why build them at all? Why not just tell the Iranians they’re there?” –Bill Maher

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Late Night Political Humor

Humor - Late Night  :   http://mariopiperni.com/

The best of late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor.

Happy Friday.

___

“With all the trouble with the Obamacare website, 12 percent of Americans actually think it’s going well. Then people waiting for healthcare said, ‘Can you share some of the drugs you’re on with the rest of us?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Things got screwed up with the healthcare website. So you can wait for them to get the site fixed or you can enroll in medical school, graduate, and then just take care of yourself, which would probably be faster.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“You can also enroll over the phone. The call goes like this: ‘Hello and welcome to Healthcare.gov, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Only 12 percent of Americans think the rollout of Obamacare is going well, while 100 percent of Republicans think the rollout of Obamacare is going GREAT.” –Jimmy Fallon

UntitledBill Day

“A new study reveals that the average fast-food chicken nugget is almost 60 percent fat. The study also says that the average fast-food customer is almost 60 percent chicken nuggets” –Conan O’Brien

“They’re still having a lot of trouble with Obamacare. First the website had all these glitches, and now people are getting a busy signal when they try to apply over the phone. So you can’t use the Internet and you can’t use the phone. And now fax machines are like, ‘Look who’s come crawling back to Mr. Fax Machine.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“There’s a lot of talk about how global warming will be a disaster for future generations. When you think about it, it’s hard to care. What have these future generations ever done for us?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In San Francisco, Apple unveiled its new products. Apple said, ‘This iPad is the fastest and most vivid way to not be able to log on to the Obamacare website.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

Jon Stewart on Senator John McCain calling some of his Republican colleagues “wacko birds”: “You don’t get to complain!! McCain, you don’t get to complain. At all. Because if I remember correctly, no matter how cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs you think your wacko bird colleagues are, they don’t come anywhere close to your hatchling. [On screen: clip of of McCain introducing Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008].

Sarah Palin Fiction  -  http://mariopiperni.com/

“The shutdown cost the economy $24 billion, and caused China to lower our credit rating to A- – or as Chinese parents call it, an F.” –Stephen Colbert

“The Republican shutdown tactics and politics were so offensive, to even Independents and moderates, that this country looks like it is poised to turn bluer than a Smurf’s balls after dry humping a bottle of Windex.” –Jon Stewart

“People are saying that Republicans got nothing out of the deal. Not true. They got eight years of Hillary.” –David Letterman on the government shutdown

“In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.” –Conan O’Brien

“As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, ‘How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?'” –Conan O’Brien

Chris Christie as Republican Savior - http://mariopiperni.com/
“Chris Christie said if one of his children were gay, he would, quote, hug them and tell them I love them. Of course, he said the same thing about the Keebler Elves.” –Conan O’Brien

“Anthony Wiener is back in the news. He said an interesting thing. He said if the Internet didn’t exist he would probably be mayor of New York. Yeah, and I would be flying right now if gravity didn’t exist.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Before the Internet Anthony Wiener would have been a regular guy in a trench coat hiding behind a tree.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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