Thanks to E.A. Blair for suggesting this wonderful new product...and illustration. We're planning on introducing more of your favorite wingers on Flakies boxes because...well, because every wingnut deserves the recognition.
From The Onion:
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The best of late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor.
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John McCain has finally had enough of his Republican teabagging cohorts, Rand Paul and Ted Cruz.
In the latest expression of Republican frustration with conservative GOP colleagues, Sens. John McCain (R-AZ) ...
You can always count on Newt Gingrich to give you bang for your buck when it comes to rhetorical diarrhea. Here’s how it’s done.
At a campaign event in Suwanee, Georgia, the former House Speaker told supporters that he would bring back cheaper gas because “you can’t put a gun rack on a Volt.”
“There is no reason not to believe that we couldn’t stabilize with American production by drowning demand in supply the old-fashioned, free market way,” he explained. “There’s not reason we couldn’t have a stable price around $2 or $2.50 [per gallon].”
In a couple of lines Gingrich was able to attack President Obama and his campaign for clean energy, lie about what can be done about gas prices, suck up to gun owners (at least those gun owners who believe a personal vehicle is never fully accessorized until it has a gun rack prominently displayed) and all the while keep his ‘pompous buffoon‘ image intact. The man has talent.
For the record…
a) Domestic oil production has gone up under Obama.
b) There are a number of outside influences (e.g. economy, war, demand, Iran) which affect gas prices and make it impossible for a President to control prices at any one time. Economists will tell you that the main reason for the recent spike in gas prices is the fact that the economy is improving. A better economy means greater demand for fuel which means higher prices. Economy 101. A President Gingrich would not be able to unilaterally determine gas prices.
c) Why the hell would anyone want to put a gun rack in their Volt?
(The Newt Gingrich source photograph for this illustration is a Creative Commons licensed image from photographer Gage Skidmore.)
In a perfect world, the Republican contest to find a nominee to face Barack Obama would go on forever…or at least until August. You cannot attach a number to the entertainment value of a Newt Gingrich and the thought that he might leave the race anytime soon is a sad one.
We’re going to put together a package. You’re going to see, this is what a serious conservative president is like, who is bold and is prepared to change Washington, despite the screams of the establishment of both parties.
So a couple more steps. We will on that day sign an executive order that will instruct the State Department that day to open the embassy in Jerusalem and recognize Israel.
Give you just two more examples. I will sign on that day an executive order reinstating Ronald Reagan’s Mexico City policy. No U.S. money will go anywhere in the world to pay for abortion, period.
And finally, many of you may have noticed that the Obama administration has declared war on the Catholic Church and other religious institutions. I want you to know that, on the very first day, I will sign an executive order repealing every anti-religious act of the Obama administration as of that moment.
There you go. In the middle of the worst economic crisis of the last 80 years, Gingrich is going to spend his first 24 hours as President moving the Israeli embassy, battling abortion and working to make the U.S. a theocracy. Exactly the issues the people want their President to focus on, no doubt.
And should you wonder how Gingrich can get so much done so quickly, he provides the answer. He’s been working on this stuff for a long time – actually, since the age of 15.
The reason I’m comfortable telling you all this is I have been studying what America needs to do, since the fall of 1958, when my dad was stationed in Europe in the Army.
See? It’s stuff like that which makes Newt so special.
Gingrich will not be the Republican nominee. That’s a certainty which I believe even he understands. But it does appear that before he calls it quits, Gingrich is determined to dig deeper under the skin of Mitt Romney and the GOP establishment than has ever been done before and in the process, piss off the last seven Republican politicians who don’t already hate his guts.
Long live the Gingrich campaign! (The source images for this illustration are Creative Commons licensed images from photographer Gage Skidmore.)
a) so full of himself, it starts oozing out of every body orifice.
b) so desperate to win that he…
c) tries to win over the idiot base by pretending he doesn’t believe in global warming science.
“I’m an amateur paleontologist, so I’ve spent a lot of time looking at the earth’s temperature over a very long time,” Gingrich said. “I’m a lot harder to convince than just by looking at a computer model.”
Pathetic. Newt Gingrich once dreamed of becoming a zookeeper, read a couple of books on dinosaurs and kept a T-Rex skull in his office when he served as Speaker of the House and that, he believes, qualifies him to dismiss climate change data as erroneous. Gingrich, the pseudo-intellectual, pseudo-scientist bullshit artist feels he’s better equipped to determine the validity of climate science than the 98% of the world’s climatologists who study this stuff day in, day out and warn of the impending danger of ignoring the data.
Gingrich’s statement is too ridiculous for words but yet they’re words of wisdom to those less knowledgeable than Newt. That’s simply the way it works.
Gingrich is a goldmine for people like me. There is nothing like a bloviating clown in a suit to inspire the creative soul. So for as long as Newt is still a contender, I’m helpless to do much else than mock him as best I can. Here’s the full David Axelrod quote.
“I told my colleagues yesterday a bit of homespun wisdom that I got from an alderman in Chicago some years ago when one of his …colleagues wanted to run for higher office and he was really dubious. He said, ‘just remember the higher a monkey climbs on a pole, the more you can see his butt.’ So, you know, the Speaker is very high on the pole right now and we’ll see how people like the view.”
The GOP establishment has gone into serious panic mode with the very real possibility that Newt Gingrich might end up as their candidate. Three weeks before the opening caucuses, a bevy of recent polls indicate that Gingrich’s surge is solidifying. In Iowa, he leads Romney 22% to 17% in one poll (a second poll has Gingrich with a 10 point lead). In Florida, Gingrich is leading Romney by 15 percentage points (44/29) while in South Carolina, the Newt’s lead is even bigger – 19 points (42/23).
Republicans in the know understand that an Obama/Gingrich match-up almost guarantees an Obama second term. A sampling of conservative thought…
Gingrich has a history of making serious charges that turn out to be self-indictments — witness his recent attack on congressional advocates for Freddie Mac, despite having been one of its well-paid consultants. Gingrich’s language is often intemperate. He is seized by temporary enthusiasms. He combines absolute certainty in any given moment with continual reinvention over time.
These traits are suited to a provocateur, an author, a commentator, a consultant. They are not the normal makings of a chief executive.
Everyone deserves forgiveness for the failures of their past. But the grant of absolution does not require the suspension of critical judgment. Gingrich’s problem is not the weakness of a moment, it is the pattern of lifetime.
Gingrich, however, embodies the vanity and rapacity that make modern Washington repulsive. And there is his anti-conservative confidence that he has a comprehensive explanation of, and plan to perfect, everything.
My favorite line from the piece is use of a Churchill quote where Will advises Gingrich to “stop being a bull who carries his own china shop around with him.“ Good one.
“He is a human hand grenade who walks around with his hand on the pin, saying, ‘Watch this!’”.
Then there’s hate-mongering asshole Michael Savage (I’m not sure if I’m aware of a person more repulsive than this low-life, bottom-feeding pile of scum) who has offered Gingrich $1 million if he drops out of the race. Savage’s criticism of Newt include (the caps are his, not mine)…
HE MADE ADS WITH NANCY PELOSI PROMOTING THE FALSE THEORY OF GLOBAL WARMING.
HE’S IN FAVOR OF AMNESTY FOR ILLEGAL ALIENS.
HE’S TAKEN HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FROM FANNIE MAE AND FREDDIE MAC, TWO OF THE MOST CORRUPT FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS IN HISTORY.
HE’S CHEATED ON TWO WIVES AND LEFT BOTH OF THEM WHILE THEY WERE BOTH SERIOUSLY ILL, WHICH WILL DESTROY HIS CHANCES AMONG FEMALE VOTERS.
HE CALLED THE REPUBLICAN PLAN TO REFORM MEDICARE “RIGHT WING SOCIAL ENGINEERING.”
IN A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE AGAINST OBAMA, REGARDLESS OF HOW WELL HE DOES, ON TELEVISION, HE WILL COME OFF BADLY COMPARED TO OBAMA AND LOOK LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT HE IS: A FAT, OLD, WHITE MAN.
Right. One can’t have as president a fat, old white serial adulterer who promotes “false” scientific theories, shows compassion and understanding toward illegal immigrants, makes millions as a Washington lobbyist while, in a rare moment of honesty, is willing to criticize the Ryan budget plan. I’d love for Gingrich to take the $1 million for the simple pleasure of knowing that Savage screwed himself out of a million dollars.
Have I mentioned how much I despise Michael Savage?
In any case, the problem so many conservatives have with Gingrich has to do with his electability due to the number of skeletons graveyard in his closet as this Ron Paul attack ad so perfectly shows.
The irony here is that while some conservatives are rightfully concerned about which candidate can best beat President Obama in a general election, they’re still able to leave their best man on the cutting room floor. If you caught any of Jon Huntsman’s performance in last night’s one-on-one debate with Gingrich, you’ll know exactly what I mean. Whether one agrees with Huntsman or not on specific policy, it is undeniable that the man has substance.
It’s unfortunate for Republicans (and fortunate for Dems) that the teabagger mindset blocks recognition of real talent within their own party.