One of the downsides of the election results is that I no longer have Mitt Romney to kick around. With the possible exception of Sarah Palin, no other politician inspired me with so many new and fun ways to mock him in graphic form as did flip-floppin’ Mitt. It was effortless. Mitt the cardboard cutout, Mitt the windsock, Mitt the bumbling fool as Mr. Bean, Mitt the liar as Pinocchio , Mitt the fraud artist, Mitt the rich, empty, soulless creep…there are over 150 Mitt illustrations on my Romney page. The man was pure gold.
And now…nothing. How will I ever fill the void? Who will the new Mitt Romney be and how soon before they emerge on the political scene? These are the questions that people like me ask. Sad, I know.
Well, I’m not alone. Richard Adams over at The Guardian is missing Mitt so much that he decided to take a look at a number of post-election careers Romney has available. I thought I’d try to match some of my illustrations to Adams’ picks.
1. Chief executive of PBS
Watch out, Paula Kerger, current president and chief executive of PBS. Mitt Romney just has to stride into the PBS boardroom, look everyone in the eye and say: “I love Big Bird.” Drops the mic. Game over. You may as well resign now, Kerger.
2. Game show host
Mitt Romney to host a new talent show, America’s Got Trees, in which the failed presidential candidate and a panel including Tyra Banks and Edward Knipling, administrator of the US Agricultural Research Service, sit in judgment of contestants’ trees. At the climax of each round Romney reveals which tree is “just the right height”.
3. Furniture magnate
Mitt Romney knows a great PR opportunity when he sees one – sometimes – so why not form a business partnership with Clint Eastwood to design and market a line of furniture aimed at the elderly and ironic hipsters. Motto: “Chairs you can talk to.”
4. Real-life Bond villain
If there’s anyone who could pull off the whole Bond villain thing, it’s Mitt Romney. He already has the wealth and inappropriate laugh. All he needs now is to buy mysterious Skull Island, start work on a Death Beam in a dormant volcano – and pretty soon the UN will be getting ransom demands for a trillion dollars and a recount of Ohio in which Romney wins no matter what the outcome.
5. Restaurant founder
A national chain of all-you-can-eat buffets named The 47%, drawing on Mitt Romney’s wide knowledge of American regional cuisine – such as deep-fried butter and cheesy grits – from the campaign trail. Advertising slogan: “Everybody wants free stuffing!”
6. Bitter old man
You lost the election – so why not fail to get over it by ceaselessly moaning about the guy who beat you, while going on the Sunday talk shows and making idle threats? Note: this post is currently occupied by John McCain.
7. Presidential candidate
Look: Rubio’s a kid who muffs a softball interview with GQ. Christie’s a lard bucket who sucks up to Obama. Romney 2016!
8. Executive headhunter
Another business opportunity staring Mitt Romney in the face: a female-only executive recruitment agency, Binders Full of Women.
9. Saviour of the Twinkie
A takeover of Twinkie manufacturer Hostess is just the job for a turnaround expert such as Mitt Romney. Critics might point out that an appetizing appearance masks a lack of substance and a core of toxic gunk. But enough about Paul Ryan.
Finally: Mitt Romney could just hang around, doing nothing of note and living off his wealth, just as he did between early 2008 and sometime in 2011. (Seriously, what did Romney do between presidential campaigns? Go into cryogenic suspense? Hunt for Nicole Simpson’s real killer?)
If you have any ideas of your own for Romney’s post-election career, feel free to share. Mitt could use all the help he can get. Here’s my own thought on what Mitt can do with all the time he now has at his disposal.
The guy’s a natural. He’d make a killing on the comic circuit and the best part is that he would not need writers. Mitt would only have to be himself. How perfect is that!