Mitt Romney’s Post-Election Career Choices

One of the downsides of the election results is that I no longer have Mitt Romney to kick around. With the possible exception of Sarah Palin, no other politician inspired me with so many new and fun ways to mock him in graphic form as did flip-floppin’ Mitt. It was effortless. Mitt the cardboard cutout, Mitt the windsock, Mitt the bumbling fool as Mr. Bean, Mitt the liar as Pinocchio , Mitt the fraud artist, Mitt the rich, empty, soulless creep…there are over 150 Mitt illustrations on my Romney page. The man was pure gold.

And now…nothing. How will I ever fill the void? Who will the new Mitt Romney be and how soon before they emerge on the political scene? These are the questions that people like me ask. Sad, I know.

Well, I’m not alone. Richard Adams over at The Guardian is missing Mitt so much that he decided to take a look at a number of post-election careers Romney has available. I thought I’d try to match some of my illustrations to Adams’ picks.

1. Chief executive of PBS

Big Bird - Save : http://mariopiperni.com/

Watch out, Paula Kerger, current president and chief executive of PBS. Mitt Romney just has to stride into the PBS boardroom, look everyone in the eye and say: “I love Big Bird.” Drops the mic. Game over. You may as well resign now, Kerger.

2. Game show host

Mitt Romney to host a new talent show, America’s Got Trees, in which the failed presidential candidate and a panel including Tyra Banks and Edward Knipling, administrator of the US Agricultural Research Service, sit in judgment of contestants’ trees. At the climax of each round Romney reveals which tree is “just the right height”.

3. Furniture magnate

Invisible Obama Chair : http://mariopiperni.com/

Mitt Romney knows a great PR opportunity when he sees one – sometimes – so why not form a business partnership with Clint Eastwood to design and market a line of furniture aimed at the elderly and ironic hipsters. Motto: “Chairs you can talk to.”

4. Real-life Bond villain

If there’s anyone who could pull off the whole Bond villain thing, it’s Mitt Romney. He already has the wealth and inappropriate laugh. All he needs now is to buy mysterious Skull Island, start work on a Death Beam in a dormant volcano – and pretty soon the UN will be getting ransom demands for a trillion dollars and a recount of Ohio in which Romney wins no matter what the outcome.

5. Restaurant founder

Mitt Romney - Believes in half of America : http://mariopiperni.com/

A national chain of all-you-can-eat buffets named The 47%, drawing on Mitt Romney’s wide knowledge of American regional cuisine – such as deep-fried butter and cheesy grits – from the campaign trail. Advertising slogan: “Everybody wants free stuffing!”

6. Bitter old man

You lost the election – so why not fail to get over it by ceaselessly moaning about the guy who beat you, while going on the Sunday talk shows and making idle threats? Note: this post is currently occupied by John McCain.

7. Presidential candidate

Mitt Romney - MAD : http://mariopiperni.com/

Look: Rubio’s a kid who muffs a softball interview with GQ. Christie’s a lard bucket who sucks up to Obama. Romney 2016!

8. Executive headhunter

Romney - Women Binder : http://mariopiperi.com/

Another business opportunity staring Mitt Romney in the face: a female-only executive recruitment agency, Binders Full of Women.

9. Saviour of the Twinkie

Mitt Romney / Marie-Antoinette - http://mariopiperni.com/

A takeover of Twinkie manufacturer Hostess is just the job for a turnaround expert such as Mitt Romney. Critics might point out that an appetizing appearance masks a lack of substance and a core of toxic gunk. But enough about Paul Ryan.

10. Nothing

Mitt Romney / Paul Ryan / gilligan : http://mariopiperni.com/

Finally: Mitt Romney could just hang around, doing nothing of note and living off his wealth, just as he did between early 2008 and sometime in 2011. (Seriously, what did Romney do between presidential campaigns? Go into cryogenic suspense? Hunt for Nicole Simpson’s real killer?)

If you have any ideas of your own for Romney’s post-election career, feel free to share. Mitt could use all the help he can get. Here’s my own thought on what Mitt can do with all the time he now has at his disposal.

Standup Comedian

Mitt Romney / Groucho Marx : http://mariopiperni.com/

The guy’s a natural. He’d make a killing on the comic circuit and the best part is that he would not need writers. Mitt would only have to be himself. How perfect is that!

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Comments

  1. Sidney says:

    Why doesn’t he get rolling on those millions of jobs that he talked about making
    I mean, this man loved this country enough that he wanted to buy, I mean run it.
    Now that he has so much time on his hands he could surely scrounge up
    a couple of million jobs to get this economy going.

  2. I hear there’s an opening for the Elmo puppeteer. I understand he’s known as the “Little Red Menace” on Sesame Street. That would fit. Romney’s personality.

  3. morton weiss says:

    I think that John McCain can very easily fill Mitts spot .He comes across as an over the hill flip-flopping political hack that should have retired to his 7 homes years ago

  4. Carol says:

    I didn’t recall it, but true to McCain’s resentment roadshow, it seems Susan Rice, as a 2008 Obama spokeperson, called McCain’s foreign policy bonafides into question…hence the revenge of the past weeks.

    It’s really such a shame when men with notable and respected histories end up like Mario portrays him…I say set him in Eastwood’s empty chair.

  5. Robert Hyndman says:

    Romney, Bush Jr., McCain all cast from the same mold. Privilege from birth, everything on a silver platter, no responsibility for any mistakes; no mistakes.
    Romney- Let the lower classed bastards fight the war that I fully support. Heh-heh!
    Bush- I’ll play fighter pilot by my rules and never do war. Heh-Heh!
    McCain- I can crash three airplanes and never be disciplined because Papa’s the boss. Heh-heh!

  6. .... says:

    He needs to retire.

  7. Cheryl says:

    No, he will go back to dismantling companies and sending the jobs to China – and be mad that he couldn’t do it on a national level.

  8. Karen Weston says:

    I know Mitt was good for a little comedic relief, but I don’t miss him one bit! I was more traumatized by him running for President than I was watching the shower scene in Psycho when I was 10!! Have a good life, and happy trails to you, Mr. Romney!

  9. Infidel753 says:

    Furniture magnate has possibilities, but the target market should be people suffering from hallucinations. Also, there were cases of people hanging empty chairs from nooses after Eastwood’s stunt; perhaps “Obama chairs” could be marketed like voodoo dolls to conservatives needing something to take out their frustrations on.

    Do not let this guy anywhere near PBS.

    I think Romney will actually fade from our mass consciousness rather quickly. There was always something weirdly insubstantial and blank about him, like he was created to be the tiny illustration next to the dictionary entry for “generic Republican candidate”. But don’t despair. Republican blogs are actually touting the likes of Rick Santorum and Rand Paul as serious future Presidential contenders. The run-up to 2016 will provide you with plenty of material.

  10. thecloudancer1 says:

    Well, he’s already proven that he would be incompetent as Dog Catcher so his political life is pretty much over!