If Romney Won – His First Day

Mitt Romney EtchASketch - Broken and On Sale : http://mariopiperni.com/

The Tweet of the Day via DailyKos

Ah yes…Romney’s first day in office was going to be a busy one and sadly (not), we’ll never get to know exactly how much Mitt would have accomplished in those first few hours of his presidency.

A few months back, Stephen Colbert took a stab at prognosticating a Romney First Day. Here’s how he saw it unfolding.

January 20, 2013
8am – noon: Inauguration.
12:30: Appoint Cabinet.
1:00: Take photo for White House ID card.

RomneyDayOne-photo1
1:07: Retake photo.
1:45: Repeal Obamacare.
2:30: Examine remains of Roswell aliens.
3:00: Unwrap Oval Office label-maker.
3:15: Label China a currency manipulator.

RomneyDayOne-China
4:00: Pick nuclear launch codes, maybe zip code + Ann’s birthday?
6:00: Take down Biden’s old Erik Estrada posters.
6:15: Get everyone in America a job.
8:00: Activate self-deportation.
9:00: Immigration solved.
10:00: With Presidency completed, resign and attend inauguration of President Ryan.

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Mitt Romney’s Post-Election Career Choices

One of the downsides of the election results is that I no longer have Mitt Romney to kick around. With the possible exception of Sarah Palin, no other politician inspired me with so many new and fun ways to mock him in graphic form as did flip-floppin’ Mitt. It was effortless. Mitt the cardboard cutout, Mitt the windsock, Mitt the bumbling fool as Mr. Bean, Mitt the liar as Pinocchio , Mitt the fraud artist, Mitt the rich, empty, soulless creep…there are over 150 Mitt illustrations on my Romney page. The man was pure gold.

And now…nothing. How will I ever fill the void? Who will the new Mitt Romney be and how soon before they emerge on the political scene? These are the questions that people like me ask. Sad, I know.

Well, I’m not alone. Richard Adams over at The Guardian is missing Mitt so much that he decided to take a look at a number of post-election careers Romney has available. I thought I’d try to match some of my illustrations to Adams’ picks.

1. Chief executive of PBS

Big Bird - Save : http://mariopiperni.com/

Watch out, Paula Kerger, current president and chief executive of PBS. Mitt Romney just has to stride into the PBS boardroom, look everyone in the eye and say: “I love Big Bird.” Drops the mic. Game over. You may as well resign now, Kerger.

2. Game show host

Mitt Romney to host a new talent show, America’s Got Trees, in which the failed presidential candidate and a panel including Tyra Banks and Edward Knipling, administrator of the US Agricultural Research Service, sit in judgment of contestants’ trees. At the climax of each round Romney reveals which tree is “just the right height”.

3. Furniture magnate

Invisible Obama Chair : http://mariopiperni.com/

Mitt Romney knows a great PR opportunity when he sees one – sometimes – so why not form a business partnership with Clint Eastwood to design and market a line of furniture aimed at the elderly and ironic hipsters. Motto: “Chairs you can talk to.”

4. Real-life Bond villain

If there’s anyone who could pull off the whole Bond villain thing, it’s Mitt Romney. He already has the wealth and inappropriate laugh. All he needs now is to buy mysterious Skull Island, start work on a Death Beam in a dormant volcano – and pretty soon the UN will be getting ransom demands for a trillion dollars and a recount of Ohio in which Romney wins no matter what the outcome.

5. Restaurant founder

Mitt Romney - Believes in half of America : http://mariopiperni.com/

A national chain of all-you-can-eat buffets named The 47%, drawing on Mitt Romney’s wide knowledge of American regional cuisine – such as deep-fried butter and cheesy grits – from the campaign trail. Advertising slogan: “Everybody wants free stuffing!”

6. Bitter old man

You lost the election – so why not fail to get over it by ceaselessly moaning about the guy who beat you, while going on the Sunday talk shows and making idle threats? Note: this post is currently occupied by John McCain.

7. Presidential candidate

Mitt Romney - MAD : http://mariopiperni.com/

Look: Rubio’s a kid who muffs a softball interview with GQ. Christie’s a lard bucket who sucks up to Obama. Romney 2016!

8. Executive headhunter

Romney - Women Binder : http://mariopiperi.com/

Another business opportunity staring Mitt Romney in the face: a female-only executive recruitment agency, Binders Full of Women.

9. Saviour of the Twinkie

Mitt Romney / Marie-Antoinette - http://mariopiperni.com/

A takeover of Twinkie manufacturer Hostess is just the job for a turnaround expert such as Mitt Romney. Critics might point out that an appetizing appearance masks a lack of substance and a core of toxic gunk. But enough about Paul Ryan.

10. Nothing

Mitt Romney / Paul Ryan / gilligan : http://mariopiperni.com/

Finally: Mitt Romney could just hang around, doing nothing of note and living off his wealth, just as he did between early 2008 and sometime in 2011. (Seriously, what did Romney do between presidential campaigns? Go into cryogenic suspense? Hunt for Nicole Simpson’s real killer?)

If you have any ideas of your own for Romney’s post-election career, feel free to share. Mitt could use all the help he can get. Here’s my own thought on what Mitt can do with all the time he now has at his disposal.

Standup Comedian

Mitt Romney / Groucho Marx : http://mariopiperni.com/

The guy’s a natural. He’d make a killing on the comic circuit and the best part is that he would not need writers. Mitt would only have to be himself. How perfect is that!

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Herman Cain – The Wannabe ‘American-Tea-Party Berlusconi’

It’s all over for Herman Cain.  Unless the man is a glutton for pain and punishment, he’ll be out of the primary before the end of the week. With the latest revelation of an alleged 13 year affair, Cain has now lost the support of many who once supported and defended him.

Mike Huckabee:

“The allegation is one that could upend his presidential campaign. Unlike the harassment charges, which he denied, he said this was a private answer. In essence, he may have given an answer that will be very difficult for him to work himself out of.”

Dennis Miller:

“Herman — who I still like — seems like a goofball now.”

But nothing I’ve read comes close to the epic rant delivered by conservative filmmaker, Ladd Ehlinger Jr., in a beaut of a post he brilliantly titled ‘When Book Tours Go Bad‘.

Mr. Cain: you do NOT run for President in these times unless you are serious about it. It’s flat-out apparent now that you aren’t, weren’t, and never will be. A serious candidate would have released all the dirt on himself before any of it dripped-dripped-dripped out.

But hey, you never thought that your con to sell your books would actually spark, did you? You never thought that good, decent, hard-working American people would actually believe what you said. Now here you are, trapped like a lying fly in amber, hoping to get the big brass ring without any other dirt coming out on you.

All you are doing is playing your friends, your supporters, and some of my very good friends for your own fame and glory. And drinking parties. Yes – you drink like a fish, you flirt all over the place, and everyone who’s attended CPAC knows it. Nothing wrong with partying. Unless you lie about it. And try to deceive the public about it. If you want to be the American-Tea-Party Berlusconi, then be up front about it, don’t be a damned coward.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

The “lying fly in amber” and “Amercian-Tea-Party Berlusconi” are two lines which need to be engraved in stone.  They’re that good.

It took this latest scandal for some conservatives to understand Cain’s game.  Namely, that Cain never imagined in his wildest dreams that he’d be leading the pack one month before the Iowa caucus. He lucked into a situation where none of the candidates had broad appeal which left him as the anti-Romney candidate after both Bachmann and Perry failed to deliver.  Cain’s play from the start was to brand his name, sell more books and create enough buzz about Herman Cain to allow him to increase his motivational speaking fees. He might also have been looking for a Fox News gig after the primary similar to the deal that Huckabee and Palin received after the 2008 election.

Now with his dirty past exposed, all might be lost for Cain and, ironically, his downfall will have been his success.  If he had been able to maintain a 5% showing in the polls, he would have been able to remain under the radar and hung in until after the Iowa caucus in early January. Not seen as a threat, no one would have cared much about Cain’s total lack of preparedness for the job of president nor would his sexual dalliances have been used against him.

Instead, what would have been remembered were his magnetic personality, lovely sense of humor and great baritone voice.  He would have solidified the Hermanator brand, sold a ton of books and given Roger Ailes an opportunity to offer a black man with solid conservative creds his own time slot on Fox. A win-win for all.

But the gods had a different plan in mind for the lying and conniving pizza man.  By mid-December, Herman Cain’s books should be available in the $1 book bins at your local Barnes & Noble.

 

UPDATE:

Ladd Ehlinger responds to my post and illustration in an update to his post.

Mario Piperni offers excellent analysis for a liberal. I’d like to see him focus those smarts on some of the people and philosophies on his own side of the aisle. If he did, I think he’d come to a different conclusion about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

[...]

Yup. Abandon your collectivism, Mario; the bright side of individualism and freedom beckons. No true artist can ever be a collectivist.

“…excellent analysis for a liberal“…ok, thank you…I think.  As for me being a collectivist…nah, not really.  The problem with using labels like collectivist or individualist is that they paint broad swaths of opaque color with a single sweep of the brush. Labeling of that type fails to take into account blending and nuances which play a significant part in defining an individual.  As well, collectivism has different connotations when applied to politics, economy or philosophy and even more so when applied to the arts.

Much more to say on this but I’ll save it for a post in the near future. I did want to mention that Ehlinger is the brains and filmmaker behind the 2010 Dale Peterson political ad which went viral and referred to by many as the best political ad ever. If you don’t remember it, see it here.

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Republican Union-Busting in Ohio Fails

The people of Ohio have spoken.  Gov. John Kasich’s anti-union law restricting the collective bargaining rights of teachers, police officers, firefighters and other public union workers, was soundly defeated (63-37) in yesterday’s ballot referendum.

Gov. John Kasich (R) took office in January vowing to curb unions’ power. But unions recoiled when a bill he spearheaded curbed the rights of 350,000 public workers — including firefighters and police officers — to negotiate over benefits, equipment and other issues.

[...]

“With the change in political power in many states last year, Republican governors misread voters’ intentions and used their newfound power to sharpen their ideological axes and enact partisan retribution,” said Democratic Governors Association Chairman Martin O’Malley (Md.). “Ohioans — and Americans — understand that firefighters, police officers, and teachers didn’t cause this economic recession.”

Republicans have tried to justify their union-busting law as a means to curb expenses and balance budgets.  In truth, the anti-union laws in Ohio and other Republican run states are attempting to implement are thinly veiled efforts to destroy unions and cut off a source of election funding for Democrats.  It failed in Ohio and might set the momentum for progressives leading into 2012.

As for the Koch brothers, while they might have lost this round, there is still much for them to focus on before next year’s elections.  Funding efforts to suppress voter’s rights, deny climate change, eliminate abortion rights, repeal the health care bill,  deregulate everything under the sun, as well as dish out boatloads of money to their Republican friends in Congress in an effort to gain even greater tax cuts for themselves is…well, it’s tiring work.

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Pulling Chestnuts From the Fire

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Your mother probably taught you to not gloat after a victory.  She was right…except that this time, it feels so right.  Most members of the conservative media have been such dicks during the entire health care process that throwing their words back into their lying faces is exactly what they deserve.

Here’s what they had to say after Cosmo Boy, Scott Brown, won the Massachusetts Senate seat back in January.

Charles Krauthammer
“If he [Brown] wins, health care is dead.”

Rick Klein
“If Democrats lose this race, healthcare is effectively dead.”

Fred Barnes
“The health care bill, ObamaCare, is dead with not the slightest prospect of resurrection. Brown ran to be the 41st vote for filibuster and now he is just that.”

George Will
“Can the president pull the chestnuts out of the fire on this one? Can health care survive?  I don’t see how. There’s no clamor in the country for this. There is a clamor in the country to pay attention to other things.”

Sean Hannity
“Prince Harry has to accept the fact that his health care bill is dead”

Stuart Varney
“I hereby say, health care is dead.”

Fox Nation
“Health Care Talks Collapsing, Americans on Brink of Victory”

Everyone of these guys was dead wrong.  President Obama showed leadership when it counted most and to Hannity’s dismay, “Prince Harry’s” health care bill will soon be law.

Suck on that, losers.

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