The best from Political Humor‘s rundown of the week’s political humor.
“They announced the winner of the Westminster Dog Show, and tomorrow the winning dog gets to ride on the roof of Mitt Romney’s car.” –David Letterman
“I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, ‘For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.’” –David Letterman
“They’re saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he’s not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, ‘Well, I can do that.” –David Letterman
“After disputes over its nuclear program, Iran is threatening to stop exporting oil. Which means the U.S. may have to tap into its backup reserve: Mitt Romney’s hair.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Rick Santorum looks like a guy running for student council.” –David Letterman
“Each year, Mitt Romney celebrates Valentine’s Day by spending a romantic evening in front of the mirror.” –David Letterman
“They’re saying now it looks like the state of Michigan is swinging toward Rick Santorum. And I think if there’s a word that best describes Rick, it’s ‘swinging.’” –David Letterman
“We have a new frontrunner for the Republicans, Rick Santorum…the little creep that could.” –Bill Maher
“Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he’s against same-marriage sex.” –David Letterman
“Yesterday Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected.” –Conan O’Brien
“Happy Valentine’s Day. Everyone on the campaign trail is celebrating with their sweetheart. Rick Santorum and his wife Karen, Newt Gingrich and his wife Callista, Mitt Romney and his Swiss bank account.” –Jimmy Fallon
“You know a really sad thing about Valentine’s Day? Some people can’t have the person they really love, so they settle for someone else. But enough about the Republicans and Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno
“Poor Mitt Romney, he’s got the money, he’s got the organization, he’s got the name recognition. He has one weakness: an inability to get votes.” –Bill Maher
“The other weakness is an ability to find a candidate he can beat. If there was just some way he could run against Mitt Romney.” –Bill Maher
“You can tell that this Santorum surge has Mitt Romney a little rattled. He was at the CPAC Convention today, and he showed up in a sweater vest with a fetus in a jar.” –Bill Maher
“Santorum made a speech and said, ‘If we follow the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith in America, then we are heading down the road to the guillotine.’ The guillotine, really? This is why he’s ahead. In one sentence, he hit on all the things they love at the Republican convention: logical fallacies, Obama paranoia, and f*ck the French.” –Bill Maher
“At the big conservative CPAC convention today, Newt Gingrich was introduced by his wife Calista. She said, ‘Newt Gingrich is a man you can trust. I can’t trust him, but you, you people…’” Jay Leno
“It was a bad night for Newt Gingrich. In terms that Newt can understand, I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates.” –Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich is trying to save his campaign by focusing only on areas where he has the most support. So he’s mostly focusing on Georgia, Tennessee, and Cheesecake Factory.” –Conan O’Brien
“Romney’s campaign is in such bad shape, today he moved the part in his hair even further to the right.” –Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum is being criticized for saying women might not be suited for military combat because of their emotions. Yeah, Mitt Romney was like, ‘That comment is unacceptable — also, what are emotions?’” –Jimmy Fallon
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There is a lot of truthiness in all of these funny lines!