Late Night Political Humor

Via Political Humor…

“Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That’s not a tax, that’s barely a tip.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.” –David Letterman

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Signs Mitt Romney Is Getting Cocky”
10. Answers all questions with, “So’s your mother”
9. Offered Santorum a 10,000-vote head start in South Carolina primary
8. He’s forwarding his mail to the White House — Wow, that’s cocky
7. Skipping next three primaries to go on tour with Young Jeezy
6. Started selling his own commemorative presidential plates on QVC
5. Donated $50,000 to Rick Perry’s campaign
4. Now spelling “Mittt” with three T’s
3. Ended debate by taking out wad of bills and “making it rain”
2. Wants to rename states Mittchigan, Mittsouri, Mittsissippi, and New Mittsico
1. Offered to help Newt with his concession speech

“At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk.” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita.” –Jay Leno

“Newt got an important endorsement this week – Todd Palin. I’m not kidding. Sarah Palin’s formerly mute husband, Todd, endorsed Newt Gingrich. We don’t know why, but today Todd received a beautiful pair of Tiffany earrings.” –Bill Maher

“Obama doesn’t pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags.” –Stephen Colbert

Rick Perry from Monday’s debate: “South Carolina is at war with this federal government and with this administration.”
Jon Stewart: “War against the government led by South Carolina! That always has good ending, right?”

“Rick Santorum told an audience in South Carolina Mitt Romney was just a ‘paler shade of what we have in the White House now.’ And the guy in the back of the room stood up and said, ‘I thought that was the whole point.” –Bill Maher

“According to the exit polls, Mitt Romney won in every category of voter in New Hampshire, from rich to poor, from young to old, from white to really white. He won across the board.” –Jay Leno

“At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds.” –David Letterman

“The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, ‘Things you were probably doing already.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver’s license.” –Jay Leno

“Is Mitt Romney a serial killer? I don’t know, but that question’s out there now.” –Stephen Colbert, on his Super PAC attack ad accusing Romney of being a serial killer

“Experts say Mitt Romney needs Latino support in elections. Romney says, I’ll never pander to any group or mi nombre no es Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Fallon

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