The best of late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor.
“President Obama is in Berlin, Germany. It was 97 degrees in Berlin today. I haven’t seen Obama sweat like that since, well, yesterday. And the day before that. All this week, in fact.” –Craig Ferguson
“During the cold war, West Berlin was an ‘exclave’ – a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.” –Craig Ferguson
“NASA is challenging Americans to help them figure out a better way to find threatening asteroids. Americans said, ‘What do we get if you pick our idea?’ And NASA said, ‘To live.’” –Jimmy Fallon
“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the guy who made ‘Death to America’ a popular slogan. Now his successor, a moderate guy named Rohani, doesn’t believe in death to America. He believes in lingering illness to America.” –David Letterman
“This Rohani guy has promised that he will boldly lead Iran into the 14th century.” –David Letterman
“Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can’t even commit to being uncommitted.” –John Oliver
“The great news about getting into another war in the Middle East is that the next one’s free.” –Bill Maher
“Syrian President Assad crossed a red line. He used chemicals weapons. Using harmful chemicals to hurt your own people – who does he think he is, Monsanto?” –Bill Maher
“The NSA whistleblower revealed himself – Edward Snowden, a 29-yer-old high school dropout computer nerd with a pole-dancing girlfriend, who says he can wiretap anyone in the world, including the president. I find this shocking. A computer nerd with a girlfriend?” –Bill Maher
“This is the same surveillance that was happening under Bush, but under Obama it’s somehow a huge outrage on the right. Republicans didn’t care about Big Brother until we elected a big brotha.” –Bill Maher
“The politics on this are all scrambled up. You talk about strange bedfellows. Dianne Feinstein and John Boehner are together on this. They say (Snowden) is a traitor. Michael Moore and Glenn Beck are together on this. They say he’s a hero. This is Republicans’ worst nightmare. They don’t know who to hate. They hate Obama but they love spying. It’s like hearing an illegal immigrant had an abortion.” –Bill Maher
“President Obama is traveling to Africa later this month, and it’s got some people upset because the trip is expected to cost taxpayers more than 60 million dollars. It’s mostly for security, hotel accommodations – plus Biden wants a giraffe.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Last night the Democrats beat Republicans 22-0 in the Congressional Baseball Game. Yeah, the Republicans were so bad at baseball, that today they’re starting to rethink immigration.” –Jimmy Fallon
“A recent report finds that by the year 2043 white people will no longer be the majority in America. And by 2050 people will be saying, ‘I’m not racist. One of my best friends is white.’” –Conan O’Brien
The Sarah Palin source photograph is a Creative Commons licensed image from photographer Gage Skidmore.