Late Night Political Humor

The best of late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor. Also an open thread.

Happy Friday.

“President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he’s known in the Republican Party, ‘our black guy.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The Republican response to President Obama’s State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It’s just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don’t want to do.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can’t have a middle class without the rich. He’s right. Just like you need ‘Biggie’ fries to have regular-sized fries.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“While Rubio covered a lot in his State of the Union rebuttal, everyone seems to be focused on him grabbing his water bottle. That’s what you get when you eat a whole bag of pretzels before a speech.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he’s reaching for the water. It’s like, ‘Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The most impressive thing about President Obama’s State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.” –Jay Leno

“But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can’t buy it, but in Washington, who knows?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, ‘Beats the finger I usually get!’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it’s talking about.” –Jay Leno

“I have to hand it to President Obama. He is full of confidence, really kind of cocky and full of himself. At the end of his State of the Union address he showed America his Kenyan birth certificate.” –David Letterman

“The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone’s not handling the breakup well.” –Conan O’Brien

“With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They’ll send out white smoke if they’ve chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven’t chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it’s 2013.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Pope is resigning. I just hope it’s not steroids.” –Jay Leno

“Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in 2013?” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids.” –David Letterman

“Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, ‘If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people.’” –Conan O’Brien

“When asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, ‘It’s not my thing.’ Trump went on to say marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman he will replace in six years.” –Conan O’Brien

“Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail.” –Jay Leno

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The Marco Rubio source photograph is a Creative Commons licensed image from photographer Gage Skidmore.

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