Late Night Political Humor

Humor - Late Night  :   http://mariopiperni.com/

The best of late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor.  Also an open thread.

Happy Friday.

“Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester – when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you’re someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, you’re really screwed.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The White House officially released portraits of the White House gang. You can all see the portrait of Hillary Clinton. It will be on next month’s cover of the ‘Sports Illustrated’ pants suit issue.” –David Letterman

“Demographic shifts are making it harder for the GOP to win nationally. Apparently in 2012, minority voters just didn’t connect with the Republican message of ‘Stop, thief!’” –Stephen Colbert

“Somebody noticed that none of the Oscar winners thanked God. To add insult to injury, at his last sermon, the same day, the Pope thanked Harvey Weinstein and Meryl Streep.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of ‘Dancing With the Stars.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that “the lord seemed to be asleep.” When asked for comment the lord said, ‘You try staying awake through a Latin mass.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The Pope was fired a couple weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers.” –David Letterman

Pope Benedict  -  http://mariopiperni.com/

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Pope Benedict Achievements”
10. Invented the vibrating desk
9. Designs new summer line of papal vestments
8. Announces Vatican’s Two-For-One Lobster Tuesdays
7. Invents rechargeable pope hat
6. Departs St. Peter’s Square via jetpack
5. Makes historic trip to Mexico
4. Serves as judge on “Vatican City’s Got Talent”
3. Releases best-selling iPad app, “Angry Popes”
2. Hosts his own game show
1. Performs first miracle: Turning bread into toast

“Fox News host Bill O’Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus’ death is blamed on Obamacare.” –Conan O’Brien

“Officials in Pakistan are complaining that the movie ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ contains a lot of errors. They were like, ‘The movie makes Pakistan out to be a hellish wasteland of corruption and intolerance – but in real life, it’s WAY worse than that.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today 15 Republican Senators demanded the withdrawal of Hagel’s nomination and it’s no wonder. Senate Republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in Hagel’s past. For instance, he was once a Senate Republican.” –Stephen Colbert

“The fact that these organizations don’t exist only makes it more suspicious that Chuck Hagel has been tied to them … President Obama, withdraw Hagel’s nomination, or you will lose the support of moderate Republicans — another group that doesn’t exist.” –Stephen Colbert

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