Late Night Political Humor

December 14, 2012 By mario piperni

More late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor. Also an open thread.

Happy Friday.

“Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I’m doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A new poll revealed that 44 percent of Americans think Santa is a Democrat and 28 percent believe he is a Republican. And the other 28 percent said to please stop bothering me with stupid questions. ” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday, Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. Stoners took a moment to thank Governor Hickenlooper — then they spent a few hours just saying the word ‘Hickenlooper.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Al Qaeda’s number two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today Al Qaeda’s number three man announced he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family.” –Jay Leno

“Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he’s taking steps to run for president once again. He says he’s seeking the presidency for three reasons. He can remember only two of them, but he is seeking it.” –Jay Leno

“The governor of Arizona punched a reporter who asked her about global warming. Afterwards she apologized. She said, ‘Sorry, I’m a little touchy because it’s almost Christmas and it’s 135 degrees outside.” –Conan O’Brien

“According to a new study at UCLA, Latinos live longer than non-Latinos. More bad news for Republicans.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney met Manny Pacquiao just before Pacquiao lost his boxing match to Juan Manuel Marquez. Afterwards, Romney told Pacquiao, ‘You lost for the same reason I did – young Hispanics.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Did you see the big fight this weekend? It was the first time that Manny Pacquiao got knocked out. Mitt Romney came by to meet him and he actually said, ‘Hello, Manny. I ran for president. I lost.’ If that is not the world’s worst pep talk, I don’t know what is.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor’s a Mayan. He says that to everybody.” –Jay Leno

“The International Olympic Committee has stripped India of its right to participate in the games. In response, India said, ‘Fine, just try logging on to your computers now.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney got a job. He’s working at a Marriott. He is the guy that comes out to the pool and tells the kids to stop splashing.” –David Letterman

“The Pentagon is preparing for massive budget cuts in the event that the country does go over the fiscal cliff. You can tell the Pentagon is scaling back because today it became the ‘Triangle.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest level in nearly four years. The bad news is that most of those jobs involve wearing a red suit, a beard, and having kids pee in your lap.” –Jay Leno

Talking about beards and red suits, here’s me last Wednesday doing my yearly gig as Santa at a daycare where my daughter works. Santa was as sick as a dog but trooper that he is, he handed out gifts to 70 beautiful children and made sure to not sneeze on any of them.

If there’s more joy to be had in life than being surrounded by children, I don’t know what that joy might be. I never feel more alive than when I’m in the company of little ones and given a choice between spending time with a bunch of stuffy adults discussing politics or a group of 3 and 4-year olds playing make-believe, the latter wins every single time.