Late Night Political Humor

More late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor. Also an open thread, so feel free to rant or rave about whatever.

Happy Friday.

“It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I guess he figured, ‘Why not?’ Those questions can’t be any tougher than the ones he’s getting at home right now.” –Jay Leno

“According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals.” –David Letterman

“This weekend, it was announced that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, have broken up. Bieber said, ‘Just tell me one thing – is it General Petraeus?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“David Petraeus was reportedly not well liked at the CIA where he worked. A tip to you fellows out there – don’t cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don’t like you.” –Conan O’Brien

“There’s a video going around of President Obama getting choked up and crying while he thanked his campaign staff after the election. When Mitt Romney saw the video, he was like, ‘What is that clear liquid coming out of his eyes? Is he leaking?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it Latino women for Romney” –David Letterman

“No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney’s health care plan.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney arrived at his victory celebration in a 15-car Secret Service caravan. Of course, when you lose, the Secret Service dumps you immediately. So he had to hitch a ride home with his son. So there he is arriving in the 15-car motorcade and then he goes home in the back seat – Tagg driving, Ann riding shotgun, dog on the roof.” –Bill Maher

“According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, “You mean I could have just bought it?’” –Jay Leno

“His wife Ann said, ‘Mitt you got to cheer up. You know what will make you feel better. Go spend some time with your money.’” –David Letterman

“You remember Paul Ryan? He was Mitt Romney’s Gilligan, his little buddy. He wanted to be vice president but it didn’t work out. They did some of those focus groups and it turns out people didn’t want a vice president with two first names.” –David Letterman

“A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She’s so mad that Romney didn’t win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove’s wife.” –David Letterman

“Obama won single women by 38 percent. I think the message to Republicans was clear: get off me.” –Bill Maher

“On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney’s staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it ‘the scariest two minutes of my life.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“They are still counting votes in Florida. They’re still counting votes even though the election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer living.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney, the morning after defeat, was in his Boston hotel room surrounded by his children and grandchildren. There was a gallon of chocolate milk on the table. Looks like someone’s on a serious bender. It starts with the Nestle Quick, the next thing you know you’re snorting Jolly Ranchers” –Jimmy Kimmel”There’s a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas.” –Conan O’Brien

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