Late Night Political Humor

More late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor. Also an open thread, so feel free to rant or rave about whatever.

Happy Friday.

“Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare.” –Jay Leno

“Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders.” –Jay Leno

“Some more good news – the president announced today he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1 percent, just Donald Trump.” –Jay Leno

“Actually I thought Mitt Romney was very gracious last night. He gave a very touching concession speech. And the good news for Romney is that he can still run for president of the Cayman Islands.” –Jay Leno

“In his victory speech last night, President Obama told his daughters that they would not be getting another dog. When asked why, the president said, ‘Because I just made Mitt Romney my bitch.” –Conan O’Brien

After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney did well with certain voters. It was close. He had the support of men, people over 45, and married women. In other words, Mitt Romney had the support of Mitt and Ann Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“Well, it’s over, and as usual, the guy from Kenya won.” –David Letterman

“It was a big night for the Democrats. Obama was on the electoral vote and the popular vote. Mitt Romney on the other side won the unpopular vote.” –David Letterman

“Some Republicans are taking it hard. Clint Eastwood spent the entire day buying drinks for an empty bar stool.” –David Letterman

“A victory like this is just the kind of thing that might sway the undecided voters.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney was very gracious in his remarks in his concession speech. Shortly after Mitt Romney conceded, Paul Ryan was untied and set free.” –David Letterman

“The long national nightmare is finally over. We have expressed our will at the polls. The results have been tallied and we proved once again that American democracy is alive and well — even if Florida was more confused than an old person with an iPhone.” –Craig Ferguson

“I really think in all of what happened yesterday, the only person who should be considered a ‘loser’ is Donald Trump. I’ll tell you why. He went on Twitter demanding a revolution. So far no one’s listened to him — because he’s Donald Trump! After that, Trump tweeted, ‘The world is laughing at us.’ I’m thinking, No, Donald. The world is laughing at you and this is why. It is because you’re wearing an orange face and a crazy wig. This is the uniform the world over of a clown! Nobody laughs WITH the clown. They laugh AT the clown. Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier.” –Craig Ferguson

“Keep in mind, this was no landslide, folks. It was like a 51-49er. Just because Obama won these blue states up here, he’s the president of all of them now? Look, Romney won all that red stuff. Why don’t we elect our president on square footage? Because Romney won some big states, folks, whole damn south.” –Stephen Colbert

“Everyone is asking how this storm is going to affect the election. I think it’s given Obama momentum because of how he handled it. He approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up.” –Bill Maher on Hurricane Sandy

Tonight they’re having a big benefit that is bothering Fox News on NBC for the victims, with all the stars from New York and New Jersey – Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi. On FOX they said ‘where are the conservative performers?’ That’s right, that’s what would help so much. ‘Thank you Bruce Springsteen. And now a dramatic reading from the Starr Report by John Voight and the remaining Oakridge Boy.’” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is reminding everybody about changing your clocks. He’s urging his voters, his constituents, and all Americans to turn your clocks back to 1954.” –David Letterman

And, the winner is…

“The election is four days away, and more than 2.7 million people in Florida have already cast their vote. Unfortunately, since it’s Florida most of them just stuffed their ballot into a toaster oven.” –Jimmy Fallon

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