Late Night Political Humor

More late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humo Also an open thread, so feel free to rant or rave about whatever.

Happy Friday.

“Mitt Romney resumed campaigning today. He was visiting those hardest hit by the storm, and that would be swing-state Latinos.” –David Letterman

“Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time — instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“That is an interesting point coming from a former FEMA director and current Applebee’s employee of the week.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I had a trick-or-treater tonight who stood outside on my porch for an hour, didn’t ring the bell, didn’t knock on the door. I said, ‘Who are you supposed to be?’ He said, ‘I’m an undecided voter.’” –Jay Leno

“Folks, it’s one week before the election, and Christie is praising a Democrat. What’s next, a Democrat praising Christie? It’s unnatural; it’s like kissing your sister. Which, by the way, would be federal law if Obama is elected.” –Stephen Colbert

“In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots.” –Stephen Colbert

“The hurricane has interrupted the presidential campaign. Both presidential candidates are taking measures to prepare for Hurricane Sandy. President Obama is staying in Washington to coordinate relief efforts. And Mitt Romney is moving his smaller homes into his larger home.” –Conan O’Brien

“Everybody’s mind is on Hurricane Sandy. The worst is over. Now people are discussing the cause. Sources say that it was partly caused by global warming. Meanwhile, Fox News said it was caused by two men kissing in Central Park.” –Conan O’Brien

“I watched a lot of storm coverage over the last couple of days. I spent 36 hours watching weather reporters standing in water while telling us not to stand in water.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama now has a 52-point lead with Hispanics. However, Mitt Romney has a 90-point lead with the people who hire Hispanics.” –Conan O’Brien

“A man in Indiana got a tattoo of Mitt Romney’s campaign logo on his face. They describe the man as a staunch Republican who has never heard of bumper stickers.” –Conan O’Brien

“Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we’re someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.” –Bill Maher

“We had the last presidential debate. A very subdued Mitt Romney I thought. If you saw it, Obama would talk, and then Mitt would say, ‘what he said, but from a white guy.’” –Bill Maher

“He morphed into Obama so hard at the end of it he went over and hugged Michelle.” –Bill Maher

“In the last three weeks, Mitt Romney has come out against tax cuts for the rich, against war, and suddenly for regulations, for teachers, for auto bailouts, for the UN, for birth control, for foreign aid. And what I love is that at this point it’s too late for the Tea Party to do anything about this except act like they’re okay with it.” –Bill Maher

“According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls.” –Jay Leno

“The debates are over. All that’s left right now is to set up and rig the voting machines.” –David Letterman

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