Late Night Political Humor

October 19, 2012 By mario piperni

Collection of the week’s best late night political humor from Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor…and an open thread so feel free to rant or rave about whatever.

Happy Friday.

“A CNN poll today said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So, it looks like Obama’s strategy of staying awake through this one paid off.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“On the subject of equal pay for women, Romney said that when he was filling cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts, he went out of his way to make sure he hired women. He said he had ‘binders full of women, which is a little creepy. Binders full of women is something they’d find in a serial killer’s basement at the end of Law & Order SVU.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Romney’s policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Couple of things: One, the women’s group was called MassGAP and they approached Governor Romney, not the other way around. And two, my guess is they did not refer to what they presented as a binder full of women, but perhaps as an organized collection of qualified resumes. But hey, Binder of Women, Book of Broads, Notebook of Nipples, whatever.” –Jon Stewart

“In an interview Wednesday Mitt Romney, who had previously stated he would not introduce legislation limiting abortion, vowed that he would still be a ‘pro-life president.’ Which makes sense because Romney defines ‘life’ as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year.” –Seth Meyers

“The time for fact checking is after the event when voters have stopped watching. We should not be sullying their emotional reactions with accuracy.” –Stephen Colbert, on Candy Crowley fact-checking Mitt Romney during the presidential debate

“After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president.” –Conan O’Brien

“Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney get the vote of people you forgot were still alive.” –Conan O’Brien

“During Thursday’s debate Vice President Biden repeatedly criticized Paul Ryan’s statements calling them a ‘bunch of stuff.’ In fairness, ‘a bunch of stuff’ is the entire text of the Romney/Ryan economic plan.” –Seth Meyers

“The second presidential debate is on tonight. President Obama is now saying he was too polite to Mitt Romney in the first debate. Obama now plans to address Romney as ‘Money Bag.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday was National Coming Out Day, a day set aside for people to embrace and announce who they really are. Your move, Mitt Romney.” –Bill Maher

“Romney took two different sides on abortion within 24 hours this week. There are shorter waiting periods for actual abortions.” –Bill Maher

“But in his defense, the abortion issue is very personal to Mitt Romney. His own mother considered not having him when doctors told her he would be born heartless and spineless.” –Bill Maher

“Isn’t is amazing? All Moderate Mitt had to do was change his long-held views on everything that he’s ever said. Now he believes whatever you believe, and the polls show we like that. Forget integrity. Forget courage. What we want is a president who is 100 percent our bitch.” –Bill Maher

“A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, ‘Well, I hope it’s not the same 47 percent I don’t care about.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Paul Ryan’s handling committee says he just has to do one thing. All he has to do is not look like a beady-eyed little weasel.” –David Letterman

“Before the debate, Ryan said he’ll stick to the facts. So, see, he’s already lying.” –David Letterman

“Look how happy old grampa Joe Biden’s made liberals! Last night he ate Eddie Munster’s lunch.” –Bill Maher on the vice presidential debate