Late Night Political Humor

Collection of the week’s best late night political humor from Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor…and an open thread so feel free to rant or rave about whatever.

Happy Friday.

“Here comes the vice-presidential debate. My favorite part of a debate is when a candidate will tell a heartfelt anecdote about a struggling American who lives in a swing state.” –David Letterman

“Tomorrow night Joe Biden and Paul Ryan will be facing off in the vice-presidential debate. The White House was a little worried. In fact, Biden’s handlers are telling him, ‘Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be anybody else.'” –Jay Leno

Wrong, bozo. Biden won the debate precisely because he was himself.

“Can you believe it’s only another month until we start arguing about whether the election was stolen or not?” –Jay Leno

“People close to the campaign are saying that Mitt Romney’s son, Tagg, is now one of his chief advisers. That’s right, when Mitt asked him to join the team, he put his arm on his son’s shoulder and said ‘Tagg, you’re it!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Fox News is upset that empty headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans. Perhaps they could sue them for copyright infringement.” -Jon Stewart on PBS

“During Wednesday’s debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it’s a surprising threat considering that ‘Mitt’ is such an excellent Muppet name.” –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”

Big Bird - Save :

“Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney said he’s going to get rid of Big Bird and slash PBS. And then he mentions Donald Trump, who endorses Mitt Romney. It’s interesting — one is a comical TV character with synthetic yellow hair, and then you have Big Bird.” –David Letterman

“During last night’s debate Mitt Romney said that he loves Big Bird. What made it even more awkward was that the question was, “Can you explain your tax plan?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“According to Nielson numbers, more than 70 million people watched Wednesday’s debate either on TV, online, or from one of the podiums.” –Seth Meyers

“New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers.” –Bill Maher

The next one is good…

It’s like Obama wasn’t even there. He hasn’t done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood.” –Stephen Colbert

…but unfortunately true.

“Now you know me. I’m a staunch conservative and I condemn any Republican who distances themselves from everything he has said on the campaign trail. But it worked, so f*ck it.'” –Stephen Colbert, on Mitt Romney lying at the presidential debate

“He just told the moderator — who works at PBS — I’m going to throw your ass out on the street old man! Not only you, but all those free-loading Muppets! That doesn’t just take one ball, it takes TWO! TWO ENORMOUS BALLS! Ha-ha-ha!” –Stephen Colbert, impersonating Sesame Street’s The Count, referring to Romney’s attack on the popular children’s show

“You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullsh*t. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they’re going to reboot a campaign, they don’t just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer.” –Bill Maher

“I have to tell you, it worked. He shook the Etch-A-Sketch, reversed himself on everything, and now, according to the latest poll, twice as many people think Mitt Romney cares about them. They totally took him back. Today Chris Brown said, ‘That mother**ker is good.'” –Bill Maher

Mitt Romney - Etch A Sketch  :

“Mitt Romney is such a different guy, Ann Romney says she no longer has to pretend she’s making love to someone else.” –Bill Maher

“The only thing that could have salvaged the president’s performance would have been if the body of bin Laden fell from the ceiling onto the stage.” –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Debate Moderator”
10. Fire starter’s pistol to begin debate; is whisked away by security service
9. Opens event by saying, “Everyone knows elections are a sham”
8. Pronounces the name ‘Rombley’
7. Moderates debate via speakerphone; greets candidates with “Hello, Angels”
6. Keeps asking Mitt if he’d like to concede
5. Barely stops clipping his fingernails to ask a question
4. Performs Sade song parody, “Smooth Moderator”
3. Every question is about canker sores
2. He’s flanked by his “goddesses”
1. Refers to candidates as ‘the Mormon’ and ‘the Kenyan’


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