Late Night Political Humor

Yesterday was day two of laying down ceramic tile in the kitchen and I woke up this morning to the horrible screams of muscles I never knew I had yelling out, “no more, please!” The constant bending down and getting up does a real number on the knees and back and what was originally a two day project has turned into at least a three day job, maybe four.

The first phase, ripping out the old linoleum sheet flooring, was expected to take a couple of hours but turned into a grueling 10 hour labor of cursing and sweat. The only method I could find to remove the old flooring was to take a scorching heat gun in one hand and a scraper in the other to pry the layers of vinyl, paper and glue off the plywood subfloor. That meant sitting on my knees with my fingers inches away from ridiculously hot temperatures shooting out of the gun.  I have a few lovely burns to remind me of the experience.

Anyway, I’m off to lay down the last 20 tiles and then hopefully get the grouting done this evening. In the meantime, here’s the best from Political Humor‘s collection of the week’s late night political humor.

Happy Friday, everyone.

“In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama’s healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it.” –Jay Leno

“Down in Louisiana, Republican Governor Bobby Jindal said he’s just going to refuse to implement Obamacare. That’s it, ‘F**k you all. I’m just not doing it.’ So if you need an operation in Louisiana, you’re going to have to pay for it the old-fashioned way: Stand on a balcony, flash your tits, and hope someone throws you money.” –Bill Maher

“The Republicans, for their part, have accepted the decision and said they’re going to focus on working with the president. I’m joking, of course. They threw a tantrum, sh*t in their pants, and flung their feces at the White House. They took it like Mel Gibson does when a script is late.” –Bill Maher

“The Tea Party is furious. They say this is a slippery slope to dental care.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney came out and said, ‘It is bad policy, it is bad law, I must have been drunk when I came up with it.’” –Bill Maher

“Whatever you think about Justice John Roberts, he is a serious jurist. His opinion ran 59 pages. Justice Ginsberg’s opinion was 61 pages. The four dissenters, their opinion was 65 pages. Clarence Thomas — 2 pages, and it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath.” –Bill Maher

“I secretly want Romney to win because, look, I’m a comedian. Mitt Romney is an ultra-Caucasian Mormon zillionaire who uses his dog as a hood ornament. For me not to secretly want him as President, it’s like Halliburton secretly not wanting a war.” –Bill Maher

“And then there’s Congressman Paul Ryan. On the plus side, he has piercing blue bedroom eyes. On the minus side, he’s a heartless smirking bastard, and the only people who can stand him are heartless smirking bastards. And Mitt, you already have that vote locked up.” –Bill Maher

“Of course, there’s always Tim Pawlenty. He almost makes Mitt Romney look interesting, in the way that a blank sheet of paper makes a sheet of paper with a smudge on it look interesting.” –Bill Maher

“But you know who might be the perfect Mitt Romney Vice President? Mitt Romney. That’s right, Mitt. Yourself! Now, of course, this is a controversial pick, because frankly, there are not many issues where you have seen eye to eye with you. I mean, you like you as a person, but on policy, it’s gonna be kinda hard to bridge the gap between you and your stance on health care, immigration, gun control, abortion, climate change, campaign finance, Afghanistan, gay rights, space exploration, treaty of the sea, Megan’s Law, the infield fly rule. OK, forget that one.” –Bill Maher

“People will now have to have health insurance. The same way every driver in California has car insurance.” –Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin said, ‘Obama lies, freedom dies.’ And then she and Todd got on their snowmobile, road across the tundra, shooting anything they want with a machine gun.’ But freedom is dead.” –Bill Maher

“It was reported that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi wore her lucky purple shoes for the Supreme Court’s healthcare ruling – while House Speaker John Boehner wore his lucky orange face.” –Jimmy Fallon

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