Category Archives: Late Night

Late Night Political Humor

Humor - Late Night  :   http://mariopiperni.com/

Only one humorous entry this week that did not involve Rob Ford.

“There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.” –David Letterman

A thought: If Chris Christie decides to run in 2016 and does become the Republican nominee, how much will his weight be a factor in voter’s minds? Are Americans willing to have an obese man as their president? I’m not sure.

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Late Night Political Humor

Humor - Late Night  :   http://mariopiperni.com/

The best of late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor.

Happy Friday.

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“Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. And he’s got a new slogan: ‘Put the oval in the Oval Office.'” –Jay Leno

“The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us.” –Conan O’Brien

“The new mayor is married to a woman who used to be a lesbian. His campaign slogan: ‘If I turned her around, imagine what I can do for New York City!'” –Conan O’Brien

“New Jersey re-elected Governor Chris Christie. Or as Christie put it, ‘I came back for seconds.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Rand Paul, the senator from Kentucky, keeps getting into trouble. They say he actually plagiarized an entire section of his 2012 book, ‘Government Bullies.’ When asked for comment, Paul said, ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.'” –Jimmy Fallon

Rand Paul - STFU - plagiarism    http://mariopiperni.com/

“New York City is going to get a new mayor. It’s between some tall white guy and some short white guy. That’s all I know.” –David Letterman

“The tall white guy is really tall. He’s 6’7′. This is a jumbo mayor. He said if he’s elected, Mayor Bloomberg can live in his pocket. Mayor Bloomberg is a tiny guy.” –David Letterman

“Mayor Bloomberg has been mayor of New York City for 12 years. We’ll all miss Mayor Bloomberg. But he says 12 years is plenty. That’s three terms. He now just wants to settle down and spend more time with his money.” –David Letterman

“There’s now growing concern in Iran about the health of 74-year-old Ayatollah Khamenei, the country’s supreme leader. He has a chronic illness. You think healthcare is bad in this country, try seeing a doctor under Ayatollah-Care. See how that works.” –Jay Leno

“So, yes, the president was somewhat dishonest about the promise of his healthcare program, but here’s the weird part, his opponents have been lying like motherf*ckers about its effects.” –Jon Stewart

“The Republicans are saying this is the worst presidential lie ever. Yes, Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and got thousands of people killed and said the war would pay for itself, but remember people, those were white lies.” –Bill Maher

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is hoping to win re-election tomorrow, and polls show that he’s winning by a 19-point margin. Christie was really excited to hear that — but only because he thought someone said ‘margarine.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today 47 million of the poorest Americans had their food stamp benefits way reduced. This is the same day we launched our new stealth destroyer, the $3 billion USS Zumwalt. This is a ship that is nearly invisible, unlike the poor, who are completely invisible. I say if we’re going to make ships that are invisible, why build them at all? Why not just tell the Iranians they’re there?” –Bill Maher

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Late Night Political Humor

Humor - Late Night  :   http://mariopiperni.com/

The best of late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor.

Happy Friday.

___

“With all the trouble with the Obamacare website, 12 percent of Americans actually think it’s going well. Then people waiting for healthcare said, ‘Can you share some of the drugs you’re on with the rest of us?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Things got screwed up with the healthcare website. So you can wait for them to get the site fixed or you can enroll in medical school, graduate, and then just take care of yourself, which would probably be faster.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“You can also enroll over the phone. The call goes like this: ‘Hello and welcome to Healthcare.gov, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Only 12 percent of Americans think the rollout of Obamacare is going well, while 100 percent of Republicans think the rollout of Obamacare is going GREAT.” –Jimmy Fallon

UntitledBill Day

“A new study reveals that the average fast-food chicken nugget is almost 60 percent fat. The study also says that the average fast-food customer is almost 60 percent chicken nuggets” –Conan O’Brien

“They’re still having a lot of trouble with Obamacare. First the website had all these glitches, and now people are getting a busy signal when they try to apply over the phone. So you can’t use the Internet and you can’t use the phone. And now fax machines are like, ‘Look who’s come crawling back to Mr. Fax Machine.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“There’s a lot of talk about how global warming will be a disaster for future generations. When you think about it, it’s hard to care. What have these future generations ever done for us?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In San Francisco, Apple unveiled its new products. Apple said, ‘This iPad is the fastest and most vivid way to not be able to log on to the Obamacare website.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

Jon Stewart on Senator John McCain calling some of his Republican colleagues “wacko birds”: “You don’t get to complain!! McCain, you don’t get to complain. At all. Because if I remember correctly, no matter how cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs you think your wacko bird colleagues are, they don’t come anywhere close to your hatchling. [On screen: clip of of McCain introducing Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008].

Sarah Palin Fiction  -  http://mariopiperni.com/

“The shutdown cost the economy $24 billion, and caused China to lower our credit rating to A- – or as Chinese parents call it, an F.” –Stephen Colbert

“The Republican shutdown tactics and politics were so offensive, to even Independents and moderates, that this country looks like it is poised to turn bluer than a Smurf’s balls after dry humping a bottle of Windex.” –Jon Stewart

“People are saying that Republicans got nothing out of the deal. Not true. They got eight years of Hillary.” –David Letterman on the government shutdown

“In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.” –Conan O’Brien

“As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, ‘How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?'” –Conan O’Brien

Chris Christie as Republican Savior - http://mariopiperni.com/
“Chris Christie said if one of his children were gay, he would, quote, hug them and tell them I love them. Of course, he said the same thing about the Keebler Elves.” –Conan O’Brien

“Anthony Wiener is back in the news. He said an interesting thing. He said if the Internet didn’t exist he would probably be mayor of New York. Yeah, and I would be flying right now if gravity didn’t exist.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Before the Internet Anthony Wiener would have been a regular guy in a trench coat hiding behind a tree.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Late Night Political Humor

Humor - Late Night  :   http://mariopiperni.com/

The best of late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor.

Happy Friday.

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“People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk – celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating.” –David Letterman

“When you sign up for Obamacare you choose between the bronze program, the silver program, the gold program, and the platinum program. If you sign up for the platinum, you actually get to drive the ambulance.” –David Letterman

“They say it’s a partial government shutdown, and I can remember something similar happened. It was like the government was shut down for eight years when Bush was president.” –David Letterman

George W. Bush - Failure : http://mariopiperni.com/

“Fox News has started calling the government shutdown a ‘government slimdown.’ Also according to Fox News, none of the government workers have been furloughed, they just went to go live on a farm.” –Conan O’Brien

“Senator Ted Cruz announced he’s donating his paycheck during the shutdown to charity. Well, the charity is called Ted Cruz for President.” –Conan O’Brien

“People have events in the national parks and they’re canceled because of the shutdown. There was a KKK rally scheduled to be held in a national park that was canceled. This was bad news for the KKK but good news for the park’s black bears.” –Conan O’Brien

“Russian president Vladimir Putin has been named a candidate for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize. His chances of winning are good because his strategy is to have the other nominees killed.” –Conan O’Brien

“A CNN poll showed that the Congress approval rating is done to 10 percent. That still doesn’t seem low enough. Do one out of 10 people really approve of the job Congress is doing? And who are these people? I want to work for them.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“People are mad at Congress because of the shutdown. According to a new poll, 69 percent of Americans say that House Republicans are acting like children. I think they may have a point because when asked about it, Republicans said, ‘Ha ha you said 69.'” –Conan O’Brien

Republican elephant buries head - ostrich : http://mariopiperni.com/

“The government shutdown – no one knows when the government will be back up and running. So if you’ve ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, ‘The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Most of the White House staff is gone. The only one left is butler Forest Whitaker.” –David Letterman

“At least here in America, crucial agencies like the U.S. Border Patrol are still on the job. That’s a good thing. The last thing we need is an influx of Canadians, with their politeness and a government that’s open every day.” –Craig Ferguson

“Even if the government shuts down, Americans don’t care. The last time Americans cared about anything was when they shut down the Twinkie factory.” –David Letterman

“The shutdown will affect some national parks and museums. They’re going to close the Smithsonian. So if you have tickets, forget it. You’re not getting in. They’re going to close the National Air & Space Museum. They’re closing the Hillary Clinton Pantsuit Museum.” –David Letterman

“President Obama gave a speech today suggesting that this is kind of a hostage situation. But the Republicans who came up with the idea said they’re not holding America hostage, and if he bothered to read their ransom note, that would be perfectly clear.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Republican sociopath   http://mariopiperni.com/

“Interestingly, polls show that most Americans say they don’t like Obamacare – but they love what’s in it. It’s like the opposite of a McNugget.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Diplomats from around the world have been spotted at strip clubs all over New York City while they are in town for the U.N. General Assembly. Things got pretty weird when the diplomat from Iran tried paying for his lap dance with goats.” –Jimmy Fallon
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Late Night Political Humor

Humor - Late Night  :   http://mariopiperni.com/

The best of late night political humor via Daniel Kurtzman’s Political Humor.

Happy Friday.

“There’s a new Anthony Weiner scandal. Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He confirmed yesterday that some new sexually explicit messages have been leaked. He sent them to a woman on Facebook using the code name ‘Carlos Danger.’ Which is still easier to believe than that other name: Mayor Weiner.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It was revealed that Anthony Weiner sent nude pictures of himself to this woman using a ‘Carlos Danger’ Yahoo email address. His wife was shocked. She said, ‘You still use Yahoo?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Everybody is still talking about the other baby, the royal baby. In fact, I saw that President Obama released a statement congratulating Prince William and Kate Middleton on the birth of their son. Then he said, ‘And whatever you do – hang on to that birth certificate.'” –Jimmy Fallon

Barack Obama - Born Identity - Birthers  :  http://mariopiperni.com/

“The show tonight may run a little longer than usual, and I’ll tell you why. We have about 300 Anthony Weiner jokes to get through.” –David Letterman

“Let me just say this: You know that your campaign is not going well when you open a press conference by saying ‘I told you there would be more lewd photos.'” –David Letterman

“Weiner says he won’t drop out of the race so that means by day he’ll be Mr. Mayor, and by night he’ll be ‘Carlos Danger, Gaucho of Love.'” –David Letterman

“The royal baby finally has a name. It took a few days but they named him Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. The parents said they wanted a name that reflects his country’s great history and gets him beaten up at school every day.” –Conan O’Brien

“Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, ‘You’ll never have to work a day in your life.'” –Conan O’Brien

“NASA released pictures of earth taken from 900 million miles away. From 900 miles away, you can make out the Great Wall of China. In Newark, you can make out the governor of New Jersey.” –David Letterman

Chris Christie as Republican Savior - http://mariopiperni.com/
“At the press conference today, Anthony Weiner’s wife said she will stand by her husband. Especially when he goes on the computer.” –Conan O’Brien

“Experts are predicting that the royal baby could pump $380 million into the British economy. So the question is: How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?” –Conan O’Brien

“The royal baby is set to inherit $1 billion. In fact, he’s so rich that he’s already dating a girl half his age.” –Conan O’Brien

“It finally happened. Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy today. The baby weighed about eight pounds. Americans were like, ‘How much is that in dollars?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“They named the boy Festus.” –David Letterman
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