.
Yes, I’m quite aware of the civil unrest in Iran today as protesters risked their lives in pursuit of democracy. And we’ll certainly discuss the Christmas day terrorist attack which conservatives have wasted no time in politicizing. It just won’t be today. Still not back in full politics mode.
And with that intro, let me share with you one of my all-time favorite jokes. I’m a huge Sherlock Holmes fan so this one has special appeal for me.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, “Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Sherlock said, “And what does that tell you?”
After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, “Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”
One more.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”.
The operator says, “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
Last one. I promise.
One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. He went up to the farmer and said, “Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?”
“Well,” said the farmer, “that there pig is very special. One time the house caught on fire while me, my wife and 2 kids were sleeping. That pig smashed through the front door, bolted up the stairs, jumped on the bed, grabbed me by my collar, dragged me out of the bedroom, down the stairs and outside. Then he went back in and did the same for the wife and kids. He saved our lives.”
“That’s amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?” said the man.
“Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn’t. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren’t for that pig we would all be dead.”
“But still, that doesn’t explain why the pig only has 3 legs.”
“And I remember the time my youngest son was drownin’ in the lake but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was.”
“Well, that is a miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?” the man said quite annoyed at this point.
“Well,” said the farmer, “with a pig that special… it wouldn’t be right to eat him all at once.”
There you go. Top three jokes you’re ever going to hear!
Okay those were funny! here’s another ………
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme
Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can’t post
Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
and Thou Shall Not Lie
in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile
work environment.
and one more, just couldn’t resist……..
Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”
The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”
Outstanding Janine! Sorry Mario…I thought yours were nice too!